I Love You Always have, always will
by xMrsJamesPotterx
Summary: Dear James- There are a few things I haven’t told you. I know you don’t even like me now, heck, you never even look at me, but still, I feel I ought to tell you. R & R?
1. The First Letter

_Dear James-_

_There are a few things I haven't told you. I know you don't even like me now, heck, you never even look at me, but still, I feel I ought to tell you. It feels like a duty, something I have to 'Do Before I Die' kind of thing. Death, I feel draws closer to me now that Voldemort is becoming more powerful, more terrible with every heartbeat. _

_I'm not scared about telling you, I'm scared about what your reaction will be, if you care at all, and how I will deal with the inevitable rejection that will follow. I think you've heard enough of my self pity now, I could go on for hours, but there are people in the world far less fortunate than me, I know. I'm just lucky that I have the one perfect person in the world, even if he hates me now. But anyway, here's the list I mentioned. _

_I never threw out anything you gave me, no matter how much I implied I would. I treasured them, every single card, poem and message. Every teddy and bouquets of perfumed flowers. _

_My heart would beat erratically whenever you brushed against me in the hall, or even looked at me. I would tell myself off afterwards, but secretly I enjoyed it and lusted for more._

_I loved the attention you showered upon me, like I was the only person that mattered in the world. I loved the fact you, who could have any girl in the school chose me. _

_I was never angry at you. Well, I was, but only because I couldn't understand why you made me feel this way. I didn't want to give in to you. It nearly killed me, because I so wanted to say yes. _

_I didn't hate you. Well, only in 1__st__ year. But hate is too strong a word. Dislike is better to describe my feelings then. But after that, it's the worst word, the complete opposite to how I truly felt, looking back on it now._

_I pretended to hate you, only because Sev despised you, and I didn't want to hurt him, he was my best friend for many years, and supported me so much…even if he did betray me in the end… _

_I never told anyone this. Except you, just now, I've tried to keep it from myself, all these years, and I've just become unbearably unhappy. Now, as I write these final words, I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders, not all of it, but most. The truth is, I Love You. Always have, and always will. _

_Yours forever and always_

_Lily Evans. _


	2. The Letter Of Apology

_Dear James-_

_I never expected you to reply. I hoped and prayed, but I didn't have any expectations. I was still devastated when you didn't reply. Even more so when you continued to look right through me, I wish I could rewind time, so that I said yes when you first asked me out. I want to go back and tell my past self how stupid I'm being, and how selfish. Just thinking of myself, and how you might hurt me. I never thought how I was hurting you. And now it's too late. So this is a letter of apology. I'm sorry for every time I screamed and shouted at you, for petty little reasons. I'm sorry for doubting you, judging you, hurting you. I'm sorry for everything. _

_I love you. Forever and for always. _

_Lily Evans. _


	3. The Letter Of Sadness

_Dear James-_

_I didn't send the last one. I'm not going to send anymore either. I can't face the fact that you don't care enough to reply. And it's my entire fault. If only I had seen past your previous exterior sooner. I've noticed one thing. You don't smile anymore James. In fact, you never do anything. You eat, you go to lessons, and you do homework. That's it. All your friends are sad, Sirius is trying to be brave and still pulls the occasional joke, but I can tell, he feels it isn't the same without you. The whole school had become gloomy without your cheering smile. Especially in these dark times, when so many students family's have gone missing or been brutally murdered. The whole school misses you James. I miss you. _

_I love you. Forever and for always. _

_Lily Evans. _


	4. The Letter Of Life

_Dear James-_

_Oh God. The worst thing happened to me today. You may have noticed me being taken out of Transfiguration. Or you may not have. I'm invisible to you these days. I was taken to Dumbledore's office, where he told me that my parents had been murdered by the Death Eaters. You hear about these sorts of things happening to other people, but you never expect it to happen to you. That's why it came as such a big shock. Why would they single my parents out? I asked Professor Dumbledore this and he says it was totally at random. Its just bad luck that my parents were among the muggles the Death Eaters chose to attack. I still can't cry, because it doesn't feel any different. I just can't believe it has happened. Dumbledore says I may return home for the funeral. I'm scared for Tuney, she was really close to my dad and she knows they were murdered by "her sort" as she calls them. She will blame me. I feel so alone James. Rosa, Marlene and Alice are sick of me, they pretend to like me still, and talk to me, but I can see it in their eyes. They are only doing it out if pity. I just brush them away though. Alice tries to be friendly, but I ignore her. I don't want to hurt them, they used to be my best friends, but I don't feel like talking anymore to anyone. If you start leading a false life, putting on an act, then your whole life will be a lie. I would rather live truthfully than be pretending to be happy, when inside I'm screaming. What about you James? Is your life like mine? _

_I love you. Forever and for always._

_Lily Evans_


	5. The Funeral Letter

To **Siriusiris: **Wow, thanks so much! I've got a plan for where this story is going, don't worry James will make and entrance soon! THANKS FOR REVIEWING :)

Thanks also to:

**Dying Soldier: **Thanks so much :)I'm really flattered!

**MadKillerSheeperflyRabbitXD: **Yeah there will be a happy ending. Thanks for reviewing! :)

**UndeniablyMe**

**LupinLuver888**

**ISolmelySwearThatIAmUpToNoGood**

Peace, Love and Ninja turtles to everyone that reviews!

* * *

_Dear James-_

_The funeral was awful. It suddenly hit me, as their coffins were being lowered into the ground, that they were dead. I would never taste my mum's baking again. Never listen to my dad snore contentedly in his armchair. I realised how much I would miss them. It was a pain that tears wouldn't come for. Tuney was there, she completely ignored me. It was worse than having her shout at me. That's the problem. I hate it when people act like they don't care. I want them to scream, rage, and fight back. Show emotion. That's why whenever you are near, I nearly burst into tears. I want to hit you for showing no emotion. So unlike the old James, that threw himself, headfirst into everything he did. You had such passion for life James. Now, you just seem like you don't care. _

_I feel really guilty for thinking about you, while my parents are dead. But I can't help it. You're on my mind and in my heart. I just wish you knew that._

_I love you. Forever and for always._

_Lily Evans_


	6. The Letter She Sent

_Dear James-_

_I never thought NEWTS would be this hard. I fall asleep in the common room every night now, sometimes I even see you sitting late into the night working. We never speak though, sometimes I wonder if you even know I'm there. I can't help but watch you out of the corner of my eye and notice the way you chew the end of your quill when you're thinking or when you rub your nose when you're frustrated. All this pressure is getting to me James. I hate myself for not being strong enough, not being able to cope. The rest of the year seems to be doing fine. I hate myself for all this self pity I am feeling. There are people that are far worse off than me yet all I can do is whine and mope about because my best friends detest me and the man I love hates me. And it's my entire fault. If I hadn't acted like such a twat, then I would feel this. I would be ecstatic. It's only now I realise what a fool I was, and I'm kicking myself. _

_I'll get out of you're life James. I had a sort of epiphany today. I don't want to mess up what I'm sure will be a colourful life by always hanging in the corner, a sad, dull, ugly person, who is throwing a shadow over you. I want you to remember me the way I used to be, the best of me. Not when I was shouting at you, those moments I'm ashamed of. When I was watching you out of the corner of my eye, looking at you're brilliance but never quite seeing. That moment when all of us jumped into the lake and you swam back with me, holding me the entire way. I want you to know I had tingles all the way up and down my spine and not because it was cold. My words seem worthless and petty so I'll tell you how I feel like this:_

"_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, it all revolves around you and there's no mountain too high no river too wide sing out this song and I'll be here by your side storm clouds may gather and stars may collide but I love you until the end of time"_

"_My heart is ever at your service_"

"_I love thee, I love but thee;  
with a love that shall not die  
; till the sun grows cold  
and the stars grow old"_

"_I'll follow you and make a heaven out of hell,  
and I'll die by your hand which I love so well"_

"_My only love sprung from my only hate_"

"_So dear I love him that with him,  
all deaths I could endure.  
Without him, live no life."_

_I Will Always Love You. In this life and the next and the next and the next. Come what may…_

_Lily Evans_


	7. The Letter Of Love

*It's the last day of school and everyone is doing last minute packing. Lily, in a hurry, leaves a box full of the letters to James on the armrest of a common room sofa. James, seeing the box, picks it up and opens it and begins to read…This is his reply*

_Dear Lily-_

_This letter was hard to write even though I've written you so many love notes before. My words before seem petty now and its hard to write down my feelings for you in the way I want to when I know you like me back. I was always trying not to look at you, it made my heart hurt. I'm sorry I never noticed how unhappy you were, I just wasn't seeing. All this year has been a blurry haze, a trance, feeling alright at the time but always missing something. You. _

_Don't talk about death, because if its one person who will survive it will be you. You have to survive. Don't even bother arguing back (even though I love it when you're cheeks go all red) because I'm right and I will never back down on this one. I will protect you until the very end. You will have an amazing life, so never talk about leaving. My life was boring, nothing compared to how brilliant you're life will be. I was always pretending to be amazing, but underneath pretty ordinary, nothing like you who are truly good at everything…your 'falling off the broom' skills in Quidditch are the best I've ever seen. _

_You could never be ugly, never be a shadow to me. You would always be beautiful, always spread light everywhere in my life. I want you to be my life. I need you. I need you like a person needs water, needs oxygen. You are and were always my life. And I will never let you go. _

_I love you more than words can say, more than music can move. I could tell you how much I love you by my words, but they are too crude. So I will resort to words of pure genius's:_

"_As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,  
So deep in luve am I;  
And I will luve thee still, my dear,  
Till a' the seas gang dry:  
Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,  
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;  
I will luve thee still, my dear,  
While the sands o' life shall run"_

"_This feeling is like a wonderful sting.  
I want this feeling to hold me captive.  
I wouldn't give this up, not even for all four seasons to be spring."_

"_Have seen dawn and sunset on moors and windy hills  
Coming in solemn beauty like slow old tunes of Spain:  
I have seen the lady April bringing in the daffodils,  
Bringing the springing grass and the soft warm April rain.  
I have heard the song of the blossoms and the old chant of the sea,  
And seen strange lands from under the arched white sails of ships;  
But the loveliest things of beauty God ever has showed to me  
Are her voice, and her hair, and eyes, and the dear red curve of her lips_**."**

"_I love you now until I die.  
For I must love because I live  
And life in me is what you give"_

"_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace._

I love thee to the level of everyday's  
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.  
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;  
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use  
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,  
I shall but love thee better after death"

_Sorry I didn't have any Shakespeare on here, I know how much you love him. Hopefully these poets can convince you. _

_I Love You. There are a million other ways to say it and other people could do it better than me, but they'd never mean it like I do._

_James Potter_


	8. Here Comes The Sun

**This chapter isn't a letter. Sorry for the delay, me being lazy. Hope I don't disappoint! Tell me if I've used the wrong tenses in some areas, I was just too tired to check :S **

* * *

*James gets on the train, hoping to give the letter to Lily in person. On his way to find her, he runs into Alice Prewett in a great state of agitation. He asks her where Lily is. She doesn't know. She says Lily isn't on the train. She says she must have stayed behind at Hogwarts. She says she is very worried about Lily and is hurrying to the driver to ask him if he can stop the train. James rereads Lily's last letter and realises what she is about to do…*

*Lily leans her head against the bark of the tree, staring out to the dank, murky lake. She turns her head and Professor Dumbledore is behind her, smiling.

'How did you…?' There's no point in asking for he is obviously not listening.

'Why are you doing this Lily?' he asks. Lily doesn't reply. Tears begin leaking out of her eyes and her chin quivers.

'Think twice before you do it, you may change your mind. I dare to hope'

He walks away, slowly and silently. Tears pour thick and fast down Lily's cheeks. She shudders and leans back against the rough bark of the tree. The first grey drops of rain begin to mix with her tears; the lake turns a stormy, threatening green and no longer seemed an escape, but a cruel trap. She rests there, for what seems an age, her tears and the rain blotting out all thought. She remains unaware of the broomstick flying through the cloudy rain until the rider alights before her…*

*James runs to the compartment he is sharing with Sirius, Remus and Peter. He grabs his broom and tries to force the window open.

'Wha…?' Remus begins, but James has already vanished the window and is flying past the train, soon disappearing behind the purple mountains.

Sirius grins and cheers. Remus looks at him quizzically.

'He's gone back for her, Remus'. They both smile and stare at the golden rays of sunlight that have spread through the clouds…*

*Lily hears a soft thud and her eyelids spring open. _He _is standing before her, sopping wet and staring at her. She can't look at him. Does he know? How could he? Why would he come to her, if all this year he hated her…?*

'I got the letters' he begins lamely. She is deliberately avoiding his gaze,staring at the rushes by the side of the lake; her eyes are red. Has she been crying? She hides her face in her hands and her body spasms with fresh sobs. He sits down beside her, puts an arm around her and rocks her to him. Her strokes her hair while she weeps into his chest. She looks up, her eyes even more red and puffy, but still heart-achingly beautiful. He hands her his reply. Her hands are shaking as she opens it. She's a quick reader and is finished within seconds. She is still trembling, even more violently. He hugs her tightly, wondering if she's shaking because of the cold…*

*She can't believe her eyes. James Potter still loves her? It was like slipping from a nightmare into the most amazing, unbelievable dream. He was crushing her to him. She stopped shivering, enjoying his warmth and the tingles she felt all over her body, just from his touch. She hugs him tightly back, nuzzling her head against his chest. They don't say a word; there will be lots of words in the years to come. For now, actions speak louder than words…*

*Up in the highest tower, Dumbledore smiles and turns to Professor McGonagall.

'I told you so'*


End file.
